What Not To Say To A Friend Who Is ILL

I am always searching for information on something or the other, but sometimes I come across an article and only when I read it do I realize that it is exactly what I needed even though I had not known to search for it.

I encourage you to read this article and really think about the suggestions therein and how you can use them to comfort friends and family who may be dealing with a grave illness or the loss of a loved one. I found the article in The New York Times. It is by Bruce Feiler and is titled "You Look Great and other Lies".

Mr. Feiler has an extraordinary story. He was diagnosed with bone cancer 3 years ago and his prognosis was very dire. He did not think he was going to live and that prompted him to reach out to his male friends to ask each of them to play a specific role to raise his twin daughters after he was gone. This experience resulted in a book, "The Council of Dads: A Story of Family, Friendship and Learning How to Live" that is currently available in stores.

Anyway, I digress; so back to the article in the Times where Feiler reports that a friend told him that her sister had been diagnosed with cancer and that she did not know what to do. His friend asked him, "What should I do?”. I am sure that is a question that many of us have asked ourselves.

Feiler's article is a response to that question based on his experiences when he was terminally ill. Obviously, it is personal to him but when I read through several of the comments written in response to the article, other people who had been similar circumstances seemed to echo his sentiments. This is not a “one size fits all recipe”. Every person is an individual and should be treated as such. But if you don’t know where to start, Feiler’s article may point you in the right direction.

A couple of suggestions struck a chord with me. To start with he says, “Don’t ask someone what you can do to help”. People who are sick or going through a difficult time can’t really focus on what needs to be done plus they don’t want to feel more vulnerable than they already do. Instead do something, or offer to do something specific, that needs to get done: bring food, clean the dishes, take out the trash, pick up groceries, vacuum.

Feiler also pointed out that many of us are guilty of trying to comfort others by saying. “everything will be ok”. He suggests that we should avoid such comments as you may not know the extent of the illness and really you do not know if everything will be ok.

I will not attempt to summarize the entire article for fear of losing something in translation, but I urge you to read the full article, by clicking here.